"I often say that I wish there was a hormone that was released into your body ONLY when you were mentally/emotionally capable of having a child. I'm not entirely certain that *I* would have released said hormone, but I'd like to think I am one step closer than some people I've witnessed popping out kids left and right.
Since I'm not the creator of all man-kind, I didn't get my say in how this all goes down. Bummer.
In another approach to reconstruct how this whole Motherhood gig shouldwork, I have decided to create a job
description. That way people can read it, mull it over, and then make an educated decision whether or not they possess the qualities that are necessary to get the job done.
description. That way people can read it, mull it over, and then make an educated decision whether or not they possess the qualities that are necessary to get the job done.
Only serious candidates will be considered.
Job Profile and Description for a Mother
Profile and Description for a Mother
A mother is a professional ass wiper, that works in the division of child and home care. She might also have to take care of her partner within the household, depending on how the team has been structured. The main role is to tend to the needs of all parties in the division, in a timely, organized, and patient fashion, before attending to her own needs.
ass wiper, that works in the division of child and home care. She might also have to take care of her partner within the household, depending on how the team has been structured. The main role is to tend to the needs of all parties in the division, in a timely, organized, and patient fashion, before attending to her own needs.
Duties and Responsibilities
- Grocery Shopping- This task may include hauling around multiple children, trying to find a way to properly restrain them so that food can actually be positioned within the cart. This needs to occur while keeping them from running amok and ripping things off the shelves at their leisure. Bonus if you can juggle all this while managing to purchase
- Meal Preparation and clean up-One must be fully skilled in prepping meals consisting of food you will not consume and cleaning up messes you didn't make. You will also be responsible for fetching snacks and drinks every 15-37 minutes, as demanded. You can use your discretion as to what these snacks will entail, but be fully prepared for backlash when suggesting a string cheese substitution for a package of fruit snacks.
- Making Children Presentable- Duties include, but are not limited to: Bathing and lotion application
- Entertainment- This is at your discretion, but it is preferable that it does not include multiple hours of electronic devices. I am not well versed in how to execute this, so I advise that you consult Pinterest.com for a more
Skills and Specifications
- Must be able to perform under pressure, in the form of demanding clients and possible encounters with bodily fluids.
- Must be able to adhere to deadlines. Examples include: feeding, grooming, dressing, and making it out the door and to a specified location safely and on time. This will be a daily occurrence, during the months of Sept-June, anything you add to the schedule in the "off" months is entirely at your own risk.
- Should be a strong communicator and posses the ability to shoot down unruly demands by multiple parties of the household in a calm and rational way. For example: A correct response for " I WAAAANNNTT A SNAAAACKKKK RIGHT NOOWWWWWW" should be "No, we will be eating dinner shortly". Responses such as "I'm going to pack my bags and book a one-way ticket to Yemen" are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
- Must be confident that she isn't fucking her kids up. If you do not exhibit the confidence we are looking for, you must be able to fake it til you make it.
- Should be detail oriented with all tasks except sock matching, it's humanly impossible and doesn't reflect a woman's ability to child rear.
- Must be proactive. Ex: If you grab the 2nd to last diaper, be sure to restock before the entire supply is diminished.
- Must be reactive. Ex: Having the ninja like reflexes to catch vomit in an approved receptical and/or hands.
Education and Qualifications
Must have access to the internet and the ability to Google. Candidates also need to be ready, willing, and able to teach basic functions such as: walking, self feeding, potty training, self dressing, teeth brushing, speaking, spelling, reading, writing, arithmetic, practicing patience, rule following, self awareness, ability to eat in a public establishment, compassion, empathy, manners, being in tune with one's emotions, keeping hands to one's self, bike riding, shoe tying, good listening, etc.
, self dressing, teeth brushing, speaking, spelling, reading, writing, arithmetic, practicing patience, rule following, self awareness, ability to eat in a public establishment, compassion, empathy, manners, being in tune with one's emotions, keeping hands to one's self, bike riding, shoe tying, good listening, etc.
NOTE: These are not in any particular order and are only a small sampling of the needs of our clients. This list is ever changing and we need our team to be flexible enough to adjust to our client's needs on a minute by minute basis.
and are only a small sampling of the needs of our clients. This list is ever changing and we need our team to be flexible enough to adjust to our client's needs on a minute by minute basis.
If this seems like something you can handle please submit your applicationfor review. Thank you."
for review. Thank you."
The Tot Wrangling Team
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